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Mind Games: UNF guard JT Escobar scores big victory by dealing with his mental health issues

Florida Times-Union - 11/9/2019

By Gene Frenette

gfrenette@jacksonville.com

JT Escobar knew about his insecurities and low self-esteem for a long time, likely as far back as first grade when he'd look at other kids on the playground and think to himself: "Man, why can't I be like them? Why did I have to be me?"

And for the next 17 years, until this summer, just before Escobar began his senior basketball season at the University of North Florida, the 6-foot-2 guard kept most of those feelings bottled up inside, not seeing how the emotional scar tissue he created in his mind impacted his own self-worth.

His long-time mentor, Adrian Crawford, also his basketball trainer since fourth grade back home in Tallahassee, had an inkling for several years that Escobar would have to confront these mental health issues because the former Florida State player (1997-2001) and team captain had dealt with it in his own life.

"JT has a very high emotional intelligence, but certain things got suffocated out of him," said Crawford, a businessman who also serves as pastor at non-denominational Engage Church in Tallahassee. "At 13 or 14, I could see there was stuff he had to work through.

"It's not that JT was clinically depressed. It's just that he suppressed so much, and the older he got, the emotions have to go somewhere."

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A combination of several factors led Escobar to finally seek the professional help he needed. Some of it was Crawford nudging him. A bigger factor in his motivation to address his mental health issues was getting married in May to Susannah, his girlfriend since the summer of 2015. They wed in Apalachicola, in a ceremony where UNF basketball coach Matthew Driscoll served as the officiant.

Two months after the wedding, Driscoll, who is big on finding inspirational tools for his players, was giving a talk at Beaches Chapel without knowing Escobar would be in attendance.

During a power-point presentation, he played the song, "The Search," by popular Christian hip-hop artist N.F. The song is about how people often neglect to deal with emotional issues, instead burying them inside. Driscoll had already given Escobar a copy of the song weeks earlier, but had no idea how much it resonated with him.

One of the song's verses, in particular, grabbed him: "See, we've all got something that we've trapped inside that we try to suffocate. You know, hoping it dies. You try to hold it under water, but it always survives.

"Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise. Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies."

When Escobar saw those words from the N.F. song go up on Driscoll's power-point, it served as another reminder that he had better stop suppressing his own feelings of inferiority and deal with it.

"He came up to me afterwards and said, 'Coach, that was awesome,' " Driscoll said. "I thought he was talking about how I preached. I didn't realize it was much deeper than that. I didn't know how many onion layers needed to be pulled back."

Driscoll knew from talking with Crawford that Escobar was somewhat troubled about his identity, but didn't know the full extent. Driscoll had been tipped off by Escobar's former coach at Ole Miss, Andy Kennedy, about his obsessive work ethic, which often included two-hour solo workouts immediately after games, even coming home from road trips.

"JT is just a grinder," said Crawford. "His pursuit of perfection impacted him. You aim for a perfect game that you'll never play. He would just deal with the next thing, work and work to get better, but he wouldn't do the internal emotional work."

In retrospect, those late-night workouts was Escobar trying to run away from his inner turmoil, the pain of feeling whatever he did -- especially on a basketball court -- was never good enough.

"I noticed at the end of last season, I could tell he was not JT, he wasn't having fun," said UNF teammate Carter Hendricksen. "His vibe was a little bit off."

Actually, Escobar's vibe had been off for much longer, but he rarely opened up to anybody about his self-esteem issues, and only on a limited basis with Susannah. He never felt comfortable growing up talking with his parents, who were in an on-again, off-again marriage until their eventual divorce a few years ago.

It wasn't until UNF's summer basketball tour in Puerto Rico that Escobar started talking to teammates about his personal demons.

"All the feelings, my insecurities, the low self-esteem had built up within me for so long," said Escobar. "If I actually wanted to get past this, I had to let it come up and see what's there. It's also very scary when you're not comfortable with who you are.

"My whole self-worth used to be wrapped up in how I played [basketball]. I'm glad I'm not dependent on that anymore."

That's because right after the Ospreys' basketball team returned from Puerto Rico, the 23-year-old Escobar finally decided to stop lying to himself and sought professional help in Tallahassee.

He had four two-hour sessions with Dr. Michael Zoda, a family therapist who had served as the premarital counselor for him and Susannah. He talked with Zoda about his mental health issues in intimate detail, confronting what he had ignored for years.

For a player who too often obsessed about his shot selection during games, besides marrying Susannah, this proved to be the best off-the-court decision of his life.

Zoda mapped out a game plan for Escobar to deal with his anxieties, to stop being so hard on himself for not measuring up to such exceedingly high standards.

"JT is definitely lighter," said Susannah, who works in the women's ministry at Southpoint Church. "He's able to communicate his feelings more confidently and he's much more secure. Being able to talk about it with me, friends or family, it's really alleviated a lot of the anxiety and fear."

Hating the "white shooter" label

From the moment he told his parents – Javier Escobar and Helen Willis -- in third grade that he aspired to be a college and professional basketball player, JT made it his life mission to get there.

His father, a trauma surgeon, soon helped things along by hooking up the oldest of his four children with Crawford, beginning a lifelong relationship as one of JT's most trusted advisors.

"He wasn't playing that great when I started working with him," said Crawford. "I think he only scored 10 points the entire first summer, but his work ethic was unmatched. It was just a gift. It got to the point in eighth and ninth grade where I had him working out with college and pro players."

In high school, both in his first three years at Tallahassee Maclay and then Florida A&M University High for his senior season, Escobar was a deadly shooter and scoring whiz. He averaged 30 points per game at FAMU, earning Parade All-America and Big Bend Player of the Year honors.

He attended one year of prep school in Delray Beach at Elev8 Prep, and his recruiting stock jumped up significantly when Escobar went to a tournament promotion game in Virginia and dropped 62 points on Oak Hill Academy.

But for all that prolific scoring, Escobar couldn't stop obsessing about one thing: being known as the white kid who could shoot. Fair or not, that label so annoyed him that it played with his mind, creating such anxiety he often passed up open 3s that would drive Crawford, Kennedy and Driscoll crazy.

"I never wanted to be that guy, for whatever reason, that people thought, 'Oh, all he does is shoot,' " said Escobar. "I think it goes a lot deeper than basketball, but to my identity issues, and not being OK with who I was created to be."

Driscoll, who runs an offense predicated around his players shooting three-pointers, remembers being infuriated with Escobar in a game two years ago at Florida A&M for passing up open looks.

"I'm like, 'What the frick, that's what JT does great,' " said Driscoll. "Basically, he got caught up in his own mind that he didn't want to be just the white shooter. He wants to go to the rim, show he can be a basketball player, not just a three-point specialist."

Breakdown at Ole Miss

UNF thought it had a pretty good chance of signing Escobar, who was born in Jacksonville. Until age 5, he lived in an Ortega neighborhood before his family moved to Tallahassee. He also played AAU summer ball with the Jacksonville Lee Bulls, allowing Driscoll and his staff close access to his progress.

However, Escobar had visions of taking his game to a higher level in the SEC, so he signed with Ole Miss, which turned out to be a mistake. Not because he didn't like the school, but his one-year stint there exacerbated the mental health issues that came to a head at UNF.

Escobar's unhealthy work ethic caught up to him in Oxford. He was constantly hurt, which contributed to him experiencing basketball failure for the first time. He played in only 17 games, averaging less than five minutes playing time and scored 20 points the entire season.

One particular scene at the end of the Auburn game sent him into a mental funk. With the outcome sealed, Escobar was inserted into the lineup and teammates celebrated when he got a basket. He tried to act happy, but it was a different feeling once Escobar got home.

"I'm trying to hold it together, but I was losing it back at the dorm," said Escobar. "My solution was I needed to work harder, work harder."

Suddenly, the kid used to scoring almost at will in high school was barely getting on the floor. When the usual solution of putting himself through extra practices led to his body breaking down, resulting in foot and ankle surgery, Escobar felt a bit lost.

So much of his self-worth had been tied to basketball. He struggled to cope with what he viewed as failure at Ole Miss, instead of just chalking it up to a freshman going through normal growing pains.

"I was afraid Coach Kennedy was going to get rid of me, which wasn't true, but I had those thoughts," Escobar said. "I still didn't identify it then as self-esteem [issues]. I thought the fix was to find a better basketball situation."

He has found a better fit since transferring to UNF, where his brother, George, runs track and holds the school record (48.45 seconds) in the 400 meters. JT has started 66 of 68 games, averaging 11.5 points and 9.9 points per game, respectively, the past two seasons. But an uptick in production failed to resolve the emotional turmoil of feeling his game still didn't measure up, which impacted other parts of his life.

"There was a point and time when JT would just shut down," Susannah said. "He'd be very anxious and not be able to say how he felt or have an informed opinion because he'd shut down. It made me anxious for him in the sense that I could see it was putting a lot of pressure on him.

"He's very talented, very driven. It was hard to see him weighted down by things that weren't true. When you don't talk about it, the isolation of those fears just eat at you."

After getting engaged to Susannah last year, Escobar's anxieties extended beyond hoops, spilling over into false thoughts about their relationship.

"The big thing was I always felt she would walk away because I wasn't good enough for her," said Escobar. "She's going to find out who I really am and want to leave."

Susannah said she never entertained any such thing, but JT couldn't shake those feelings because his self-esteem issues would sometimes get in the way of thinking rationally. He admitted at times in his life to having suicidal thoughts, but never to the point of being close to acting on it.

More than anything else, his marriage pushed him to get professional help, saying: "I want to be a good husband and a father one day. It's not just me anymore. It's my family."

Being happy with the real JT

Despite talking about some tough personal issues during a 45-minute interview, Escobar was remarkably composed and introspective.

Seated next to Hendricksen, a Bible study partner and one of his closest friends, Escobar had the look of a young man finally at peace with himself.

The time spent with Zoda, who was also Crawford's therapist in past years, gave Escobar a different outlook on his self-worth. It taught him not only how to manage his anxiety, but to stop beating himself up over his imperfections.

People were going to love him, especially Susannah, for who he was, not what he thought they wanted him to be.

"I knew I had these insecurities," said Escobar. "Going in [with Zoda], I thought there was something really wrong with me. He told me, 'it's not your fault you're feeling this way. There's not anything wrong with you. You need to look at yourself as somebody who's been hurt. Look at it more that way and be compassionate with yourself.'

"In reality, I needed to stop and let myself feel this way and be more compassionate about it instead of [feeling], 'I got to fix what's wrong with me.' It's realizing I'm not perfect and that's OK. It doesn't change how much Susannah loves me or my teammates love me."

Hendricksen is listening to Escobar's honest self-assessment as if he'd just hit a game-winning jump shot. There's a clear sense of joy over a teammate recognizing his demons, then dealing with them to get to a better place.

"It's hard to talk about, but there's people out there who are willing to help if you reach out," Hendricksen said. "JT is a happy person. Him talking about having fun in the game now, it's really cool to see."

Escobar is hopeful by telling his story that it will encourage other people, particularly students in college and high school, to seek help for whatever mental health issues might plague them.

He admits when he's gone to middle schools as part of community-type service work, it "almost brings me to tears to see a kid sitting by themselves." Escobar wonders if that person might need the same help that he put off getting for years.

Those who know JT best have seen a dramatic change the past three months. Crawford took notice as he watched Escobar lead UNF with a team-high 15 points in a 74-59 loss Tuesday night at Florida.

"It's the first time I've watched him where he just played free," said Crawford. "When he plays that kind of game, he plays really well."

Actually, Escobar didn't play particularly well the next game, an 89-81 win over Florida National in UNF's home opener on Thursday. He scored just 9 points on 3-of-10 shooting.

"They were good shots that didn't go in, I'm not going to lose sleep over it," said Escobar. "It's a completely different mindset for me. It would go to a much deeper level before, like I'm a failure. Now I know a missed shot doesn't mean I'm a bad player or a bad person."

Something else was different, too. Escobar, who already has a sociology degree and is pursuing his masters, didn't feel compelled after a mediocre shooting night to go right back to practice. He met Susannah on the UNF Arena floor after the game and they simply went home.

The happy husband was wearing a well-worn black T-shirt, a Romans 1:16 brand, with one word in script on the front: "accepted."

On the back of the shirt, it read: "If you live for people's acceptance, you'll die from their rejection."

JT Escobar knows what it's like to live a life in fear of not measuring up to expectations, of too often pretending that he's perfectly fine. It's a dark, cold place to be. He feels much better in the open light.

gfrenette@jacksonville.com: (904) 359-4540

RELATED | Read more from Gene Frenette

gfrenette@jacksonville.com

(904) 359-4540

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